我的祈禱

我不是文科出身，所以文科必讀的那一本本如雷貫耳的巨作，幾乎都沒有讀過。如果誰告訴我，什麽東西是“必讀”，我會本能地起逆反心理，我偏不要去讀它。

但是現在，工作暫時平穩，生活還算閑適，我反而起了“雄心”。按理說，女人到了三十，從所謂的常理講，應該有一堆忙不完的事情，應該有許多新階段要開始啓動，應該為一些她人已有而自己尚無的東西暗自焦慮，尤其是我所熟知的這個文化中的這些女人們，她們當中的不少位，似乎總在為她人忙碌著，為她人奔波操勞著，為她人活著。多麽庸人自擾、疲憊不堪的人生。坦白講，那些事情都引不起我多大的興趣。

我也同樣有很多事情要忙，每天都覺得時間不夠，有無數多的東西想去做，去體驗，因爲我也感覺到了時間的腳步。在書店裏，有時候會看到這樣的書，"50 places you must visit before you die"，或者“你必須擁有的十件奢侈品”，諸如此類。雖然我也希望看遍世界，也希望有幾件珍愛的好東西，不過，如果明天就是世界末日，我最大的遺憾恐怕會是，啊，我竟然還沒有讀過the Iliad, the Odyssey, the Divine Comedy, all the Shakespeare plays, Woolf, Wilde, and all the lovely poetry等等等等，就要去菩薩那裏報道了，這是多麽空虛的人生啊。

所以我永遠覺得時間不夠，永遠覺得自己讀的不夠快，看著這本，盯著那本，還訂著額外的十本，我的書單永遠沒有盡頭。我也傷春悲秋，我也感嘆世事無常，但我從不覺得生活沒有重心，從不覺得心裏空蕩蕩的沒有底。因爲當你在體驗一百個/一千個不同時代的不同的人的喜怒哀樂的人生時，你還有多少剩餘的時間/精力/心情來患得患失，來做作矯情，來就你那點事情發出無盡的哀號呢？

所以，諸神，賜我智慧，賜我幽默，賜我淡泊
是為我的祈禱

~~~

最近的斬獲：BN時不時會送優惠禮券，每當這種時候，都經不住誘惑，挑選決定的過程既充滿喜悅又難以抉擇，最後的勝出者是：

baby raccoons

It was dark outside, and I heard rattling of the feeding bowls, meant for the cats.  I knew the raccoons are here.  Raccoons seem to be surreptitious, nocturnal animals.  They are rotund, and wobble a great deal when whooshing all over the place in my backyard.  They ARE fast, but not as flexible as cats, meaning -- not much of a leaper.

I pulled the curtain apart and peered into the darkness.  I could make out their outlines pretty well.  There were five of them.  The day before yesterday, I saw eight.  New kits have been born this year.  The babies are like little round fur balls, following their mother, huddling over the feeding bowls. 

I don't normally leave food for raccoons, I let them scavenge whatever is left by the cats.  And usually, there is some leftover for them. 

I know how I feel about cats.  They make suitable pets and companions.  But Im not sure how I should feel towards raccoons.  I think they are cute, but they are not easily domesticated.  When I saw the baby kits huddling eagerly over the little scraps of catfood, butting heads, I knew they plucked my heartstring.  But I also know too many of them can become an infestation.

This evokes a long time gnawing dilemma of mine.  Our relationship with animals.  I suppose its become especially relevant to me since the day I decided to quit meat, most types of meat.  Do I have a position on this?  Sure.  Am I entirely happy with where I stand?  Not really, but for now, this will have to do.

I quit meat for a number of reasons, the one I'm most reluctant to mention is that I found it harder and harder to take bites into animals that I would like to pet/caress/hug.  So I stopped eating beef, veal, pork and birds.  I mean, how do we find it in ourselves to exclaim how cute calfs, piglets and lambs are and then serve their pa and ma on our dinner tables? 

But then again, where exactly DO you draw the line between the edible and the pitiable?  Thats why I found it hard to condemn the Japanese for eating dolphins, because what makes people think cows, sheeps, pigs (maybe not so much birds) don't have the same level of sensitivities and intelligence?  Is it really justified for one group to be pointing finger at another? 

So, yes, I'm starving, more or less, the raccoons, and spoiling the cats.  And these are just some of the decisions I have to consciously make.

mourning

~。~。~。哀悼 ~。~。~。

我不會哀悼，起碼，我不會在人前哀悼，更做不到在儀式上哀悼。
我不會哀悼，起碼，我不會在任何人勸慰我的時候哀悼。

當有人拍拍我的肩膀、給我一個擁抱、說一些重復許多遍的寬慰的話語，
我完全沒有哀悼的心情，我只是敷衍你們，露出一個親人過世的人該露出的表情。

當然，我感謝所有人的這份心。

但是，就像我不會在人前祈禱，不會在任何神殿真正的祈禱，更不會和一群人一起祈禱一樣，
我與我的神，
我與我的小心痛、大心痛
我與我的小思念、大思念
are for my eyes only,
they are for my heart only~~~not for anyone else

所以，如果當我遇見你，請不要問，也不要說，更不要裝，我們誰都不要裝，誰都不需要客套，這些還不夠多嗎

只要，

給我唱一首好聽的歌吧
給我彈奏一首動聽的曲吧
給我介紹一本打動人心的書吧
我們一起暢飲一杯
一起笑一會兒吧

這就是我的哀悼。