新年到，剪頭髮~~~

還是亞洲髮廊比較會剪亞洲人的頭髮，簡單的娃娃頭最適合我~~~
新年到了！剪頭髮迎接2013！（房間很亂~~=.=

陰雨廢都

在“康州新城大屠殺”的兩天後，看完了賈平凹的《廢都》。天氣非常不舒服，細雨靡靡，本來是有情天，一旦佐配上寒冷，就令人鬱悶煩躁。

《廢》是九十年代初的小説，因“低級”的情色描寫被禁了十六年，後又解禁允許出版。讀《廢》的人裏不乏大量沖著情色而去者。我是在圖書館網站尋找莫言的小説時無意中看到的《廢》，對它一無所知，但隨後也對本書的“淫”略有所聞。事實上看完後，所謂的情色，根本微不足道，這些橋段存在與否的必要性，也見仁見智。但一旦被插上了“情色”的標簽，則《廢》的全貌就很容易被忽略。從《廢》倒是想到一些其他事情。

作者在後記中的一段話是這樣說的：

“如果文章是千古的事--文章並不是誰要怎麽寫就可以怎麽寫的--它是一段故事，屬天地早有了的，只是有沒有夙命可得到。”

亙古永流傳的故事，它的“全貌”究竟是什麽呢？如《紅樓夢》，它的全貌、或“真意”是什麽？以前讀關於《紅》的評論文，常常讀到諸如“《紅》是對於封建禮教的鞭撻與批判，象徵了封建帝王制度的崩塌”一類説辭，那時候也說不出個子丑寅卯，後來愈發覺得這種評論的格調好比在一幅工筆仕女圖上用沾了豬血的大刷子寫文革語錄。

《紅》是一段天地間的故事，《廢》也是朝著這個方向努力。我有時候也會有《廢》的作者上面的體會。作家的筆、思維和靈感，好像並不是自己的，而是天賜的。名字能被後世記住的作家，似乎是被賦予了使命，記錄下一段人世間的故事。我們雖然活在人世間，可要看清楚自己所在的紅塵世界卻最不容易。它的複雜、不確定性、不可定義性，需要摒棄所有“主義”和人爲框架的眼睛來看、要這樣的寬宏度來下筆。這樣的作品，就有了三十三重天的深度與廣度，從哪個角度評説都可以，卻不可從任何一個角度概括。因此，當你說“《紅》的意義就在於”時，別忘了加上“對於我”。

求神告佛別中獎

這是一篇妄想雜文。

前幾天，power ball彩票的彩金累積到了5.8億的創紀錄高額，在這種時候，家人都會去買幾張，買個念想。不過我想我們家是永遠不會中大獎的，因爲有我在暗中作梗，求菩薩保佑我們，千萬不要中這麽大的一筆獎金，而菩薩一向都很照顧我們家。

很可能是我哪根筋搭錯了地方，但我相信如果有以億計的一筆橫財空降我家（雖然機遇比被雷劈死還要小），我們這個平凡但平靜幸福的家庭多半再不得安寧，就算不至於“妻離子散”，也會閙得雞犬不寧，親友翻臉。這樣的先例太多了。昨天的yahoo新聞還在醒目的地方以警言提醒大家，中了獎未必是福，許多原本生活平和的人，因中了大獎，最終的結果卻變得窮困潦倒，與周圍的人關係破裂。

在某些情況下，人會變成水蛭，聚攏過來吸血，而這血本來也不是自己的，所以似乎給出去也合情合理。可是，給與不給都在中獎人，不給也是他/她的自由，卻一定會背上吝嗇的駡名。人就是這樣的嘴臉。

那天飯桌上，大家在聊“中獎之後”的話題，這應該是一個很多人都熱衷於聊的話題吧。其中一位家人A說，一定要做些慈善，給偉大的天朝還有非洲的那些窮孩子們謀些福祉，給家境不好的大學生提供學費；另一位家人B說，給兩家的兄弟姐妹各買套房子，剩下的存起來，我順口問道B：你應該會去賭場痛快一番吧。B沒有言聲，但那已經算是承認了。我已經可以看見B拿錢不當錢的在賭場揮霍，甚至是到股票市場上妄想翻本。

我問A，天朝連紅十字會的名聲都已經那麽臭了，你要怎麽把款捐到真正需要的人手裏？更別説非洲了，貪污的程度比起天朝更加原始和純粹。在做慈善的同時，莫非你也想喂飽這些豬頭狗腦們嗎？在天朝做慈善，就要先找出辦法突破這層水蛭網。至於B，我根本懶得再說，我只能說，我的家人我都愛，但我更喜歡其中的某些家人。

而另一個“隱患”，則是我保不定會多出個“二媽”來，年齡小到還得叫我一聲“姐”。你覺得可笑荒謬嗎？我覺得一點也不荒謬。有一類女人，聞到greenback（或者說地位名氣之類）就像puppy聞到poo，當然這類人本來也無底綫可言，可能前世是某种鬼類的投胎，所以才在人世裏不斷製造孽緣，且還善於美其名曰“真愛無罪”，或者“都是女人，應該都能明白”云云。可能我真的不懂這個叫“真愛”的傳説，因爲我擡頭低頭都看到神靈，前思後想還是害怕因果循環。誰讓我生來是這麽個懦弱無膽的人呢。如果“真愛無罪”真的可以不顧後果，那麽按照同理，強姦似乎也無罪，都是衝動壓住理性，不是嗎？所以這類女鬼，通常都活得理直氣壯，風光得很。龍都有九種，何況是萬物投化而來的凡間。

不過凡事都要做好最壞打算，如果我家的運氣真的背到中了什麽天殺的大獎，或許第一步應該雇用經驗豐富、聲譽良好的理財機構代爲打理，將自己想做什麽事情（投資也好，慈善也好）告訴專家，由專家指引應該怎麽做，甚至可以採用小型基金會的形式等等。像我們這種小戶人家，是不太能打理得好這麽大一筆財的。至於周身各色人等前來借錢（實際上基本是不會還的），這真的是很難處理周全的一個問題。親戚密友間的難處予以解決，都在情理之間，看得開些倒也沒什麽。但有些明明關係很普通，不是因爲真的有難處，而是借了錢去做不靠譜生意的人來求你，借與不借，那就只能看各人修養了。其實，我們天朝人可能是最緊張尊嚴的一群人，因爲我們經常因爲尊嚴的問題跟全世界的人“着急上火”，但真正到了為自己“掙尊嚴掙面子”的時候，卻又常常在做失尊嚴的事。比如，抱著能撈一筆是一筆的心態，明明沒有到不借錢活不下去的地步，厚著臉皮到沒有義務給你錢的人那裏去要錢，這種“損格兒”的事情三思為好。

可是我們生活的時代就是一個德不如娼的時代。

收拾房間

最近閑下來，開始收拾房間，發現書實在太多了，畫畫工具實在太多了，沒用過的各種本子實在太多了，化妝品實在太多了。最後的結論就是，想做的事情實在太多了。=.=

唐詩
文言散文
宋詞
漢魏六朝的賦
練習鋼筆字（毛筆字）
畫素描（基本功練習）
畫留守兒童/老人系列
畫佛像/塑像系列
畫工筆畫花卉系列
整理生詞簿
讀掉手頭的20本書 （=.=|||）
讀掉大概50本積壓的雜誌（*.*）
讀報紙

這個冬天能做以上的多少事情呢~~~~~~

It's been a while

At last, I am done with the translation project on "A History of Chinese Architecture", possibly the most challenging of all projects I've worked on so far.  The mere fact of completing this monster and the sense of achievement is sweet. ^.^  But I am presently totally "brain-drained" and enervated.  I've been feeling the fatigue for a few days now, this delayed physical response is a bitch!  I can't think; can't make up my mind on anything; can't muster enough of anything to do anything ~~~and now that fall is right on the doorstep and I'm feeling the chill creeping into our old house every night, all I want to do is curl up in warm, downy, fluffy blanket and drink warm "Yuzi honey" water.  sigh. 

A.n.y.h.o.w,  I'm slowly bouncing back to life, and my brain slowing convalescing back to normal-mode.  My Colorado trip was wonderful!  It's like I've already been to Tibet without actually being in Tibet and going through all the political baloney.  Other than that, I've been emotionally occupied by some completely unexpected and ridiculously girly nonsense -- I've been feeling mushy for a while now.  Time to look ahead and pull myself together.  (=.=)

Congratulations to Mo Yan on receiving the Nobel Literature Prize, though reading some of the online comments is an exasperating experience, as expected.  This kind of honor/event taking place in China, unfortunately, has a greater chance of ruining the person entitled than if it were to take place elsewhere.  There are two terms coming to mind:  "棒殺" and "捧殺" -- "to kill with stick" versus "to kill with praise".  It's a lot easier for the popular opinion pendulum to swing to extremes than coming to rest in the middle ground.  When it comes to reason, to good sense (common sense), and to appropriateness, this land still has much to learn.  OH, and maybe it's time to pick up one of his earlier (better?) books and give it a try? 

Going to return to art projects and reading routines ~~~  winter is coming, my favorite season! 

crazy sunday costume play

My artist friend came over and we decided to work on a little fun costume play project, aiming to achieve the effect of 1920/30 Shanghai poster girls.  Everything was improvised, and my friend made the best use of the materials that I had.  She's so talented at this. =)

black and white enhances the worn photo effect

I'm impersonating a cigarette-ad girl back in the old days in Shanghai

the "cigarette" I'm holding is actually an eye-brow pencil!



“信”的點滴

“信”的點滴


早就想談宗教，當然也只是淺談。我不過六合中一芥子，沒有能力談得大，只想通過這個話題試圖稍微剖析自己 -- 一生最難的課題。

是恐懼和迷惑讓我逐漸開始接受信仰的合理存在性，這應該與許多人一樣。對於各種宗教的忠實信徒來説，都認爲自己的宗教是唯一正統。個人拙見，這正是“惡魔”存在的證據之一。對於我，沒有任何一種現存宗教可以讓我張開雙臂、堅定地將其擁抱。我是一個雙眼蒙蔽、雙手不停摸索、步伐蹣跚試探前行的“渡者”。

信仰不是重復默念神的尊稱（雖然出於習慣，我也會這麽做）；信仰不是定期去同樣的地方進行群體式的相互確認、社交活動、認識新朋寒暄舊友、舉辦慈善活動（這些都是良善的事情，但我不稱它們為“信仰”）；信仰更不是以一種幾乎“語言暴力”的方式試圖讓“自己的佛”取代“他人的佛”。信仰對於我，只有一個主要意義—即獲得智慧的過程。是的，信仰等於智慧。

正因如此，以恐懼、威嚇、以及“站隊文化”作爲收服信徒和對待非信徒的手段的宗教，我都從靈魂裏無法接受。什麽叫站隊文化？站隊文化是我最熟悉的華夏文化的核心内容。簡單地說，就是:“if you don’t play for my team, you are going to hell”。或許因爲我是崇拜智慧的人，所以站隊文化這種拙劣説辭又怎能讓人心服。我厭惡站隊文化，因爲它太容易訴諸於各種暴力手段，因爲它代表了華夏三千年車軲轆原地轉的窘境，因爲它的核心是人治，與道德、理性、客觀的正確與否都沒有必然聯繋、因爲它代表了一種簡單暴力的思維。只要看過一些中國文化的古裝劇，就一定熟悉那若干朝代的君君臣臣、那“大哥，兄弟們跟你一條道走到黑”的臺詞、那被人稱頌了數千年的“桃園三結義”而實際卻當不得一個“大”字的劉關張三兄弟。這些，不都是人治的站隊文化嗎？

正因爲我太熟悉太膩煩這種思維的惡劣本質，所以當一個宗教告訴我：“如果你不信我們的神，你就不能被救贖”時，你應該知道我對這種宗教是什麽印象和看法。我自身的文化背景和價值取向注定了我無法接受這類宗教。讓我心服口服只有一個途徑，就是用智慧説服我，用可以解釋世界、宇宙、萬物法則的大智慧讓我匍匐叩拜。

我認爲我們的世界存在“大信仰”，即解釋人生、宇宙、萬物法則的大道之學（這也是我所謂的“信仰”）。但更多被世人接觸的實際上是“民間信仰”，即求世俗之事、求在世榮祿、求身後安心的信仰。像有些佛學法師，講經論道時談什麽“虔誠敬拜觀音菩薩，即可懷男胎”之類，著實令人覺得可笑。這真是濃濃沾染了中土文化的“佛學”。因此，注意區分開兩者，實際是非常重要的課題。當然，我是俗人，自然不能擺脫於民間信仰，但卻同時希望在大道之學方面也可略有所悟。

phantasmagoria

So I was walking down Fifth after a filling dinner, not alone.  It was supposed to be a day of celebration, not for me, but mostly for my friend.  But neither of us was really in the right mood.  My friend was upset and generally feeling tired for a number of reasons.  I felt the same way but couldn't pin down why.  My mind was drifting away as the same old scenes flashed by on Fifth, cars, tourists, shops.  I was drifting thousands of miles away.  My friend was talking about how things seem so much bigger when we are kids, but are in fact much smaller as you get older.  I was remembering the only main street in my hometown, and there used (and probably still is) to be a park, more like an old folks' home with the entrance facing the main street, with a big staircase that seemed too steep to me, I was 3 or 4.  My grandparents used to take me there for a walk, or for the swing.  And I was thinking of my dad, of how he needs to gain some weight or he'd become a veritable beanpole of an old man.  Old man.  And I was recalling this passage I read in Ghost Train to the Eastern Star by Paul Theroux, about an old man, roughly in his sixties, Paul meets in Myanmar.  The country, its people, all in decrepit condition.  Scenes of despair and dread.  The old man gets two dollars of pension every month, he lives in a bamboo shack with a rent of four dollars every month.  The old man owns a beatup scooter rickshaw of somekind, the kind that needs manual peddling.  He is a teacher for forty years.  But he is making his ends meet nearing the end of his days by peddling visitors from one place to another.  His daughter decides not to marry so she could look after her poor old dad.  I think maybe it's this passage, the old man's story, that somehow ruined my day, and my mood.  So I was experiencing this phantasmagoria of scenes and objects that I didn't really wish to think about. 

random tidbits

白頭髮又多了，尤其是左邊，一動腦子就這樣，所以我就應該從事不動大腦的工作。或許到四十歲的時候乾脆染成一頭銀髮好了。

肥大最近的表現超好，和我越來越親

書借了一堆，卻連一本都讀不完

終于安裝了無限網絡，確實非常方便，正在適應新手提電腦，安裝有的沒的，可是卻非常干擾我專心做事情啊 =.=

突然明白過來，中國文化的傳統核心--之一--不是“忠”和“義”嗎（還可以加上個“孝”）。這幾種情感，都不是理智的、也不一定是基於普世道德的。忠義不就是不辨是非和黑白地跟定自己的主子嗎，主子可以是君主、也可以是大哥、或者也可以是祖先（孝）。説到底，就是“跟人站隊”文化。一生榮辱就取決於是否站對了隊伍，跟對了人。其他都是次要的。
所以，“西方”普世價值應該很難在這片忠義之土生根發芽的。因爲這股陰魂不散的精神直到現在也還在主宰著中原的樂土。

中國風

經同事介紹，在法拉盛發現了“中國風”書屋。佔地不大，但書籍頗多，都是大陸過來的書。難得的是，看店的女店主懂書，且會“察言觀色”，與客人幾句話一說，就大概知道哪些書是你的“那杯茶”。書店裏自然也有暢銷書，比如説大陸團組最青睞的各種政治禁書，兒童書籍，和食譜之類。但文學書籍也非常多，雖然有些雜亂，但品味好的也不少。我隨意問了一句是否有陳丹青的，女店主立刻就給我找了起來。在得知我偏好“文筆好的”（算是業務培訓吧），又推薦了我一本。最後，斬獲四本，都應是文筆不錯的書。

笑談大先生 - 陳丹青

臺北人 - 白先勇

空杯 - 張宗子 （店主推薦，文筆果然很不錯）

一燈風雨，書人書話精粹 - 生活讀書新知三聯書店

I knew I liked him for a reason

[转载] 太平洋的风 - 韩寒

尤其是这段：

这篇文章里不想谈论什么政治和体制。作为一个从大陆来的写作者，我只是非常失落。这些失落并不是来自于这几天浅显的旅行，而是一直以来的感受。我失落在我生存的环境里，前几十年教人凶残和斗争，后几十年使人贪婪和自私，于是我们很多人的骨子里被埋下了这些种子；我失落在我们的前辈们摧毁了文化，也摧毁了那些传统的美德，摧毁了人与人之间的信任，摧毁了信仰和共识，却没有建立起一个美丽新世界，作为晚辈，我们谁也不知道能否弥补这一切，还是继续的摧毁下去；我失落在不知道我们的后代能不能生存在一个互相理解而不是互相伤害的环境之中；我失落在作为一个写作者，我写这篇文章的时候还要不停的考虑措辞，以免哪个地方说过了线；我失落在当他人以善意面对我的时候，我的第一反应居然是会不会有什么阴谋；我失落在我们自己的文艺作品很少能够在台湾真正流传，而能在台湾流传的关于我们的大多是那些历史真相和社会批判，更让人失落的是那些批判和揭露往往都是被我们自己买了回去，用于更加了解我们自己。除了利益和人与人之间的斗争，我们几乎对一切都冷漠。这些冷漠和荒诞所催生的新闻都被世界各地的报纸不停的放在头版，虽然可以说这是官方的错，但无奈却也成了这个民族的注释。

傳統與現在的對話

昨晚非常有幸在林肯中心的演出裏看見了久聞大名的笛簫大師張維良。
一曲“平沙落雁”立刻就把心境帶入古意盎然的天地悠境。

以前只在各種音樂專輯裏見過“張維良”的名字，隱約知道他是笛簫界的翹楚級人物，昨晚直到張大師穿著白色唐裝出場才知道竟然就是本尊駕到了！

全場只有他有一首獨奏曲子，並且只出場了一次。果然大師就是與衆不同。

另外還有青年代裏非常有名的笛簫演奏家陳悅！也是明星級別的人物。

我有她這張“情竹”專輯。但真正讓我記住陳悅的是《亂紅》和《綠野仙蹤》這兩首曲子。
那種刹那間的意境感似乎有種魔力。陳悅本人比這張照片還要靚麗許多。可惜昨晚並沒有她演奏的完整的傳統笛簫曲目，多以中國樂器與西洋樂曲的新穎組合為主。

綠野仙蹤 - 陳悅

亂紅 - 陳悅

Ice Cold

 ★★★★★ 5/5

A review of Tess Gerritsen's "Rizzoli and Isles" series is long past due. But then again, as a habit, if I am not saying anything, it probably means I enjoyed the reading experience.

I haven't had the chance to read any of Gerritsen's standalone medical thrillers. Counting Ice Cold, I have read seven Rizzoli and Isles, save only the Keepsake and the Silent Girl. I stumbled upon Tess Gerritsen by accident when I felt ready to venture into some uncharted literary landscape other than the one created by Preston and Child, and randomly picked up the Mephisto Club -- the word "Mephisto" somehow caught my attention. It is the sixth novel in the Rizzoli and Isles saga, and I remember I was glued to the pages after only a few short chapters into the story. Since then, I began to devour every Rizzoli and Isles (in chronological order) with a hunger. Gerritsen has delivered every story with such a powerful punch, and I'm so glad every Gerritsen reading experience has turned out memorable and satisfying. "Riveting" would be the first word that comes to mind to describe her writing.

I was mildly surprised when I saw her picture and realized she is Chinese-American, and even more impressed to learn that she is a physician-turned-novelist, and a very successful one at that. All in all, an amazingly talented woman, whose novels are about two amazing female protagonists - homicide detective Jane Rizzoli and Dr. Maura Isles, the ME.

It's been sometime since I realized I'm easily drawn to forms of literary expression featuring heroines. Looking back, this is probably why I found the Ghost in the Shells stories so mesmerizing, like a mystifying force pulling me in. I doubt GITS would have the same effect on me without the central female figure Major Motoko Kusanagi -- a polar opposite sentient force positioned against the cold and metallic cyber universe. Likewise, I find the Rizzoli and Isles characters refreshing, so remarkably different from each other yet both deliciously stunning, almost goddess incarnates, though one would be like the She-Ifrit, the other one Shiva. (Ahh, FF8 coming to my rescue again)

It's not just about girls kicking ass which is of course a joy to read/watch. Stories with female protagonists are interesting because of the ever present factors of struggling against a list of adversities male protagonists usually take for granted: going against social expectations, and constantly having to prove oneself as better than her male counterparts, not to mention double the amount of butting heads and wading through prejudice-induced crap. But lying at the core of these is the presence of a deeply-ingrained strength unique only to women -- something hardcoded into our physiology and nature, us who are meant to be procreators.

It's interesting to note that most of the crimes in the Rizzoli and Isles stories have females as victims, some of these women fall prey to heinous acts unthinkable to many, and the ones that survive go through hell-like PTSD. I remember there were moments when I felt compelled to take breaks from my reading. The pictures painted, the messages conveyed were delivered with such accuracy and poignancy, that maybe female readers especially felt the shudder and shocking force. So, two strongly willed and "worth-her-salt" women out to save other helpless fellow females in the big-bad-male testosterone-pumped-world. The stage is set.

Of course, a good setup to a story can just as easily fall flat on its face if the writer can't write. But Gerritsen is one of the best thriller writers I've read so far. Gritty, powerful, disciplined and almost stone-cold at times. If I didn't know better, I'd readily believe this is the writing of a man. With good writing and good story, no wonder every one of her books takes off with positive reception.
Though there is just a small interesting observation, which of course doesn't detract from the books. The only character who seems a bit too "stereotypically perfect" is the FBI hunk Gabriel Dean (OK, even the name has that romantic ring to it) -- an annoyingly handsome rival to Jane who eventually (and predictably) becomes her too-good-to-be-true Mr.right. I suppose we all need a poster perfect male character inserted somewhere, if for nothing else, then as a safe haven, a well-deserved escape from a world riddled with gore, brutality and malice.

記憶記憶

The touch-up effect my friend used on her smartphone is called "Grace". 
I don't have such even-toned skin, not now, not ever.

三天

悠閑的三天假日。

                                  ★★★★ 4/5

Read The Black Echo (Michael Connelly), the first Harry Bosch novel in the series.  Like Tess Gerritsen, Connelly is another writer whose books I'll keep on reading.  Not sure if this is just a phase with me, but lately I seem to be partial to "gritty writing", and Connelly certainly falls in that category.  I like the subdued masculinity, the lean and sinewy undertone that his words exude.  There is something sensual about it.  The story itself is carefully constructed and masterfully laid out with a controlled pace.  All in all, many experienced writers don't write this well, and this is only Connelly's first novel (albeit a long time reporter). 

看了“漢語橋”的紐約區比賽，超精彩的。

Watched The Big Lebowski, another Coen/Coen.  So far I've loved every Coen/Coen film.  The Big Lebowski probably ranks the highest among all the Coen/Coen I've seen so far.  I haven't seen Fargo yet.  There is an inexplicable tenderness to their films, something along the lines of "women being saviors and men being in need of saving".

Watched Being John Malkovich, didn't care for it very much.

The Alienist - Caleb Carr

★★★★☆ 4.5/5

Just finished reading the last page of The Alienist (Caleb Carr) thirty minutes ago. Caleb Carr’s recount of the ruse he pulled on his publisher brought out a genuine laugh from me. (For the purpose of persuading his publisher to consent to him writing a fiction rather than a non-fiction, the author told his publisher the story in the book had actually taken place, only to later reveal that the whole thing was his invention. Both his publisher/editor bought it hook, line and sinker!)



This further confirms the awe I’ve felt throughout the process of reading this book: it reads like genuine history instead of a fictional invention! Much of it is history, in a manner of speaking. Caleb Carr began his career writing non-fiction/historical pieces, and thanks to which (I think), has become a stickler for accuracy of details, which definitely shines through in the Alienist. The novel paints such a vivid picture of what New York was like back during the turn of the 19th to 20th century: the influx of immigrants, the general status of lodging, it’s slum quarters (described in great detail), modes of transportation, the vibe, the air, oh and lastly but not least, not to mention the food. The author seems to have a genuine penchant for food (the Delmonico’s, yummm). The amount of details is simply impressive.


I wouldn’t exactly call the Alienist a “thriller”, though it is no doubt that, on top of being a stellar suspense and cerebral creation. This is of course a personal response. Having been exposed to more than enough violence and gore in the print format, the amount of bloodshed and the macabre manner the perpetrator “dresses” his victims no longer, I’m sorry to say, sets off much of a reaction from me. Nevertheless, the deductive process in the book that gradually fleshes out the identity of the perpetrator truly impressed me. In this way, the Alienist sets itself apart from most other “whodunit” stories I’ve read. The story isn’t about a group of characters involved in murder(s), and one sleuth who tries to sniff out the perp from this group through, oftentimes, the perp’s own slip ups – a formula often favored by mystery writers. There is no “preset group” to begin with, so to speak. Instead, the central figure in the Alienist, Dr. Laszlo Kreizler, through his mastery of psychoanalytical skills (and with the help of modern forensic science), gradually “paints a picture” of what the killer must look like, and fills in pieces of details from every aspect of the killer’s life. So from a vague shadow, we eventually have a name, a background, and a mental journey of the killer’s telling us the factors/people that were held responsible for the creation of such a monster.


And on a side note, I'm glad I ran into this book at this point.  Something (and I'm still not sure what) sparked an interest in me to read about the U.S. history, a subject I know pathetically little about.  I've actually always been interested in reading about history, which is one of my favorite genres to read, mostly in Chinese though (and mostly about Chinese history -- which is, long, and well, repetitive).  I just wasn't particularly interested in the U.S. History.  But lately, I'm kind of interested in knowing about the early settlers, or rather how the earliest "trailblazers" coped with the cruelty of nature, stuff like Robinson Crusoe.  The Alienist of course has nothing to do with that, but its backdrop, the turn of the 19th to 20th century, is one of the turning point, so to speak, of New York, if not the U.S. as a whole.  And I'm kind of keen on learning about those "turning points" in the U.S. history, the people and the events that have brought about what this country is, today.


 

le me, artistically altered

Finally, I know what I might look like in twenty years

peek-a-boo

experimenting with new dynamic blog features

struggling with new dynamic blogging features.  Ahhh, I'm definitely getting old.
Firstly, where do I find the updating button, easily, conveniently? 
I DO like some of the dynamic layouts, like "mosaic" and "magazine" layouts.
let's see if I can get my head wrapped around this thing ~~~

街口的傘蓋櫻

街口的傘蓋櫻

每年初春準時綻放

已經有幾十個年頭了吧

這卻只是我第三個年頭從你的菩提下走過

我永遠無法用我虛弱的文字聖讚你

可我又怎麽能不去聖讚你

你的存在

這件簡單的事情

如果不是愛、奇跡、達摩

又是什麽呢？

我並非不愛你層層叠叠如瀑布般傾瀉的枝條

也並非不愛你樹精臉頰般暈染過的粉紅含蓄

更並非不愛你自信有力伸展開的寬大母親傘

在一瞬間

我沐浴在一種被呵護的意識中

但傘蓋櫻

你真正的價值

在於你的周圍那些從未被過分修飾過的灌木、雜草、不知名的野花、

--遠不如你那麽神奇、被造物主隨手抛出的小奇跡們

以及

倚在你堅實的枝幹旁的那棟百年老房子

剝落的磚墻

失修的屋頂

纏滿手臂粗的藤條的荒廢的老井

和那個偶爾在你的樹影下掃地的屋主老頭

傘蓋櫻

它們纔是你的靈魂

所以

我才可以和你説話

A Closure on Trip 2011

關於去年的出行，我一直知道我還有要寫的東西沒有寫完。現在寫文章，早已拾不回小學生時的那種心態：

“我有一個鉛筆盒，盒蓋上有只小熊和小鹿，在快樂地做遊戲。鉛筆盒裏有兩支鉛筆，一塊橡皮，和我喜歡的偶像的貼紙。有了這個鉛筆盒，我就能更好地學習，它是我學習的好幫手。我非常喜歡我的鉛筆盒。”

其實我小學時的作文沒這麽傻B。真正傻B的話我記得當時只寫過一句，大意是：“紅領巾們做完了好事就離開了。雞冠花在雨中開得更加鮮紅。”當時老師還特別挑出這句話在全班表揚了我，我也以竟然想到了這句話而為榮。多年之後的今天，讀到這句話我還是想吐。還好我沒有照著這個勢態發展下去。


或許等到真正很老的一天，我又會開始像小孩子一樣寫文章：慢條斯理，按部就班，什麽也不需要急，什麽也不需要證明。一切能懂的都懂了之後，就又回到什麽都不懂的狀態。


現在這個年齡，寫點東西無比吃力。瞻前顧後，自己給自己綁了無數鎖鏈，不能政治不正確，也不能政治太正確，不能落了俗套，也不能矯情，不能裝學究寫火星文，顧影自憐或自戀更是“必死”金律。每次幾乎不論寫什麽，都能從一聯繋到十、十到百；從雞毛蒜皮的小事扯到人生觀、世界觀、宇宙觀。可能目前我的思維狀態就好比有無數節點的一張大網，牽一髮而動全身。


那就隨著意識走吧。


“視角”這個問題會伴隨我們一生。每個人的客觀條件在一定程度上決定視角。我是黃皮膚黑頭髮，在黃皮膚黑頭髮的國度出生長大，這賦予了我“默認狀態的視角”。可是在逐漸學會想事情的這些年，我一直成長在白皮膚藍眼睛（or 綠、or紫、or whatever）為主的國度。因此，視角衝突就一直是與我個人相關的一個話題，且有愈演愈烈的趨勢。在多重視角下成長其實是好事，有比較、有對比。只要是淺嘗輒止，每種視角都挺可愛，繼續往下挖，每種都挺面目可憎。越是了解，越是覺得面目可憎。但你永遠抛棄不了它們，因爲都是你基因的一部分。


臺灣也好，日本也罷，都歸類於我的默認視角。它們屬於我最熟悉的文化，但不同的是，它們是這種文化所能達到的某種理想狀態。我在這兩個地方都切身體會到了這種理想狀態。大的先不說，最讓我欣喜的一點是，短促的臺北之行，讓我重拾了對中餐的信心。怎麽可能有人不愛吃中餐—全世界最好吃的東西呢？！是，這種感受我100%理解。不過，除了自己家的菜，我真的越來越不愛吃中餐。戒葷以後，更是不願意吃油膩膩的東西。但是在臺北的幾乎每頓餐飲，都是精致、清淡，甚至體貼的，特別是對素食者的理解和尊重，最讓人難忘。


“吃”是具體有形的，好定義的。喜歡臺灣還有很多難定義的方面，比如説，去龍山寺拜觀世音，看到諸多人在認真做佛事，求到覺得很准的簽（而且果然應驗）；去書屋的感受；在居民區的小巷裏買時下的水果；中正紀念堂看插花展；重慶路上隨處都有的糕餅屋；在朱銘美術館一組組煞有介事排練節目的國中生等等。很難解釋到底是什麽感受，套句俗話，有種令人舒服的“氛圍”。


我其實很能理解初次到臺灣的内地遊客的反應：“沒什麽嘛，還沒我們縣城漂亮。這故宮比紫禁城可小多了。菜太淡了！”諸如此類。一個階段的人說一個階段的話。就好比魚永遠無法讓牛明白在海洋裏呼吸到底是什麽感受。Plato對於Agrigentum這個城市的人曾經說過一句話，幾乎100%適用於當下内地的心態：“these people build as if they were immortal and eat as if they were to die instantly.”  多麽貼切的話啊，沒有比它說得再好的了。翻譯成中文就是“醉生夢死”。


不消說，相較於日本，我對於臺灣有種自然的親近感。這當然也是因爲語言相通這類原因，不過我倒覺得核心因素是因爲華夏文化有種令人舒服的“柔軟中庸的感覺”。如果華夏文化這片土地，有一天能夠剔除掉數千年來冥頑不化的糜爛部分，而保留住這種柔軟和中庸哲學，那就是我心目中的理想狀態了。這也是我喜歡臺灣的最根本的原因。


接下來說說日本。


我自己都感到詫異，回來這麽久，我竟然沒有寫任何關於日本的出行感想。坦白說，我一直覺得寫不出來。這當然不是日本的問題，而完全是我自身的内心狀態的問題。由於一些原因，這幾年是我自省的最爲活躍的一段時間。也因爲這樣，許多事物的意義對我開始產生變化。我到現在仍然認爲，日本在某種意義上，站在亞洲（或者說黃皮膚族裔）的終點綫上；但不同的是，亞洲已經不再站在我的終點綫上，這是我前不久才意識到的。我的“主視角”和“客視角”在發生根本性質的對調。我的視角變了。何時會再變回來，能不能再變回來，我不知道。簡而言之一句話，“I am outgrowing Japan.” 這裡面當然不無傷感（容我矯情一下）。但如果不是這樣，我沒法真正去理解另外的視角。


我就是在這種混沌的内心狀態下初次遊歷了関西。但是不要誤解，我對日本的喜愛難以盡述。我所指的outgrowing跟日常俗世的生活基本無關。飲食、禮節、清潔程度、流行文化、高新科技、精致、認真、以及與生俱來的對於自然、美、哀、以及死亡的領會能力，無論是什麽時候，我都無比欣賞和喜愛，也一定會繼續欣賞和喜愛，並且會因爲它們一次次地返回日本。


可我總是有種“這些還不夠，還缺少一些很關鍵的東西” 的感覺。我的腦子裏殘留著一些讓我思考的剪影，這些剪影和那些佔據了絕大部分的、給我帶來愉悅的印象和畫面相比，當然很少，但因爲我記住了它們，所以我想它們對我一定有某種深層的意義：


我記得一個剛在Brooks Brothers買完衣服的男士，氣宇軒昂地往外走，後面跟出一個店員，像在祭拜自家祖先一樣給這位男士鞠躬道謝；


我記得參觀了一個只展覽骨灰盒的小型展覽；(yes, I went in unknowingly!)


我記得那一個個把地上的lichen和moss都梳理的像寵物的毛髮一般的寺廟林苑；


我記得金閣寺那個氣味異常濃重的洗手間；(I guess they just gave up)


我記得和大阪的一個出租車司機聊天，他説道大阪很不景氣的話題；並且用特別禮貌的語氣跟我說，“你們的行李可真多啊”；我也趕緊點頭哈腰地說，“真不好意思啊”，但還是讓司機大叔幫我把行李扛出了車；


我記得旅館的前臺不允許我在大阪的朋友到我的房間作客；


也記得這位朋友說，工作之後，每年的連休假最長只能休息3天；


或許我在尋找一個“契合的靈魂”（I’m not even sure what that means），誰說文化作爲一個整體不能是靈魂的象徵呢。而談及靈魂，就不得不涉及宗教、mortality、罪、救贖這些讓人不耐煩的、想翻白眼的話題。我在此並不想談及這些繁冗的東西。只是，作爲一個還算熟悉華夏文化的人，我目前的感受是，這片土壤並不適合談論宗教、或許也不太適合談論後面那幾個沉重的課題。而日本呢，其實也並不和宗教話題契合，而且消極和宿命論的成分過重，不太對胃口。我更喜歡奔放大器一些的靈魂。所以，為了尋找答案，或者說尋找讓自己能夠在某種程度上解脫的説法，我主動選擇將主客視角對調了。


Gosh, I am insufferable. But like I said, this is for me, a sort of closure. Let me end this piece of horrific writing with a line that has all but become cliché: “What am I talking about when I talk about traveling?” I am of course, not talking about traveling at all.


(I swear if I see that sentence pattern one more time!!)

最近

I managed to muddle through the first two parts of the Western Canon (Harold Bloom) before finally deciding to throw in the towel, for the moment. Clearly, I’m not ready for this tome, which is not to say I didn’t take anything away from it. At least I can now manage to pull off a decent literary-name-dropping. =.=

Anyhow, I’m going to go on a paperback reading spree to unwind my head a bit, focusing on the thriller/suspense genre--my all time favorite. Let it be a lesson to never pick a random paperback from library shelves without first reading some reviews on the author (but in my case, the reviews I would later read are just as misleading). The random paperback I happened to choose is Urge to Kill (John Lutz). I'm not familiar with this author at all, but the cover looked promising. Boy, was I wrong. What a royal waste of three half-days. So I'm going to lash out a bit to make myself feel better.

                                      ★ 1/5

This is by far THE worst thriller/suspense paperback I’ve read. After finishing the book, I was rendered speechless by all the disappointments I felt toward this book, I had to go on Amazon to see what other readers felt about it. To my utter surprise, Urge received an average 4-star from about 30 readers. 30 is not many, I know, but still, what have you people been reading to give this book a 4 star?! Some headings from their comments include “Lutz always rocks”, “keep you on the edge of your seat”, “urge to read all Lutz books”. Well, if this kind of writing is supposed to keep me on the edge of my seat, the fact that I'm a loyal fan of Preston and Child would have made me leaping out my second-floor window half a dozen times already, out of genuine terror. Honestly, a few of their books DID keep me on the edge of my seat, and made me stare, wide-eyed, underneath my sheets after turning off the light (I often read them right before hitting the sack).


Urge falls flat on almost every front it's kind of unbelievable this book was actually published in this state. Maybe when rookies become veterans, readers (the ones who decided to stay around) become more forgiving and don’t really care anymore, acting out of simple habit to keep on reading their favorite authors? I suppose I can relate to that, since I have read every single Pendergast episode by P and C, even though a few of them clearly pale in comparison to the Relic, the Cabinet of Curiosities, and A Still Life of Crows. But over the years, I have built a certain level of confidence with regard to their writing and storytelling skills that even though sometimes they fail to pull out all stops, every P and C book still manages to land safely without crashing. But the case with Urge was quite different. NOTHING about this book impressed me. The writing is forgettable to say the best, redundant, all-over-the-place, and slightly affected. The smart-ass remarks did not impress in the beginning and got on my nerves as the so called “story” unfolds.


My greatest problem with the Urge is the story itself and how it is told. The idea that wealthy men who excel at safari-hunting and can’t hold back their overflowing male pride involve themselves in some kind of modern-day dueling contest in NYC is actually something very workable. But Urge manages to cast a dull and boring light over everything. And NYC's "Best", the team of exceptional and seasoned detectives (Frank Quinn-the protagonist, Pearl, and Fedderman) that gets recruited whenever high-profile cases occur, is the team of most inept detectives I’ve ever read. What exactly does this team contribute to solving the gruesome murders (the 25-caliber-dueling murders and the Slicer murders)? NEXT TO ZILCH. That’s right, the murders basically unfold as God sees fit and eventually get solved themselves. The detectives are too busy worrying about their smart-ass remarks, love affairs, and whether or not a mole on the nape could lead to malicious cancer (I’m not kidding).


The Lavern Neeson sub-story is another reason the Urge fails as a whole. Lavern Neeson almost becomes one of Slicer's prey if it weren't for the fact that she is a long time victim of domestic abuse. The Slicer, likely being a perfectionist, only chooses "prime meat", so he lets Lavern go without harming her. One brief chapter is more than enough to recount and wrap up Lavern's major lucky break. But the author, defying explanation, goes on and on about Lavern’s struggle against male abuse and her eventual triumph over self-degradation.


These random offshoots contribute nothing to advancing the case and just kind of trail off, leaving behind an awkward mess. It is not that thrillers can’t raise issues of social concern, it’s that these social concerns are MISSING THE POINT of the story, and making the storytelling incredible loose and all-over-the-place.


I also found it a bit far-fetched that the entire NYPD finds it acceptable to let Quinn and the murderer engage themselves in a final showdown of dueling, claiming it to be the ONLY way to solve the case. OH, and did I mention the NYPD decides not to back Quinn up in any way, and basically just sits back to enjoy a wild-wild-west show?


“Urge to read all Lutz books”? No, thank you. Next time, I will try my luck with a Connelly or a Baldacci.

le me, positively haunting

斬獲

最近貼子頻率明顯下降，事實上是因爲年關過後一直把自己弄得很忙，不過那是一種良性的忙，是身心都十分舒暢的忙（在說啥~~）。

回頭看去年，就好像是一個熱身，是在為今年（及希望往後）做準備，讓自己進入某種精神狀態，可以開始一點點地學會接受the more difficult pleasures of life。這並不是說simple pleasures不再有地位，只不過它們要稍稍挪挪位置，擠出一個空間，一個或許會越來越重要的空間。

這個過程，有一部分當然是我刻意想要的，但奇妙的是，我似乎在跟著一個無形的意識的引領，就好比，當你原地不動的時候，什麽都不會發生，而當你決定邁出腳步的時候，你會發現周身有許許多多過去看不見的門，看不見的路，看不見的契機，看不見的人。

我曾不止一次地感嘆過我的生命裏從來沒有出現過真正意義上的導師，發自内心地渴望有這樣一個人存在。雖然直至現在也沒有這樣一個人，但有時候我會感覺到冥冥中的某種意識的存在，某種固執的意願，某種繞了好大一個圈卻又還是繞回來的諸如命運之神的東西。或許，即使沒有實體的導師也不是這麽重要，我寧願相信在形而上的層面是有什麽在召喚的。

這是今天在book-off的斬獲。

買二手書遠比買新書有意思。有book-off這樣一家店真的很方便。這次是專門沖著canon類書籍去的，這都要拜Harold Bloom的the Western Canon所賜，有些評論此書的人就說過：看他的這本書的結果就是，他評一本，你就想迫不及待地去讀（重讀）一本，看來我也中了他的魔咒。斬獲的這幾本書幾乎每本都有上一個主人在空白出寫的筆記。我比較喜歡買有一些筆記的舊書，只不過，從這些筆記裏似乎也可以看出，之前的這些位主人們基本全都是為了應付學校的功課。這次最驚喜的是找到Byron的主要作品集，整本書，只有一首詩是看過並做過筆記的，明顯是學生應付學校的功課。可憐的Byron的其他的精彩詩篇都嶄新的無人去理會，那我就當作這本埋在其他名著堆裏的全集是專門在等我的吧。XP

My perfect perfect new year

Ingredients:

  Home-made dumplings

  Big pot of creamy soup with vermicelli, fried tofu, yam, egg-dumpling with shrimp filling

  Snow-covered woods and bushes

  Cats nibbling and meowing, all fattened up and extra-furry

  Blue Jays, Cardinals, sparrows and occasional woodpecker enjoying leftover catfood

  Holiday lights

  Lightly-scented thyme/fir candle

  Books, lots of good books

  And lastly, family in sight, doing everyday things~~~

first post of 2012

Christmas and New Year's Day passed just like any other day, blending into the continuous fabric of time.  And whoosh, we are swept into the "fateful" (? hopefully not) 2012. 

The phrase "New Year's Resolution(s)" had not even occurred to me until someone asked what I'm planning to accomplish this year. 

I've tried numerous times to "accomplish" things at the beginning of many new years in the past, those lists were ambitious, hopeful and invariably they ended up being cast aside and forgotten by the end of the second or third month.  Set feasible targets, achievable goals -- the advice of many.

Sure.  But as soon as I lay them out on paper, I might as well have spelt out their inevitable doom.  Plans are meant to go awry in my world.  So to counter that, I have decided to not make any concrete plans but only set a general direction and improvise as I go, and last year proved more than fruitful.  Of course I'm talking about my reading life, what else.

So I was skimming through the books I read and realized the choices were too haphazard.  But no matter, the entire year, now in restrospect, served to build up a nice rhythm, a sort of confidence at venturing into uncharted biblio-territory.  I remember I used to literally have "heartaches", not in the sentimental sense but an irksome sensation borne our of anxiety and lack of confidence whenever I picked up a book I didn't think I could finish.  Somehow, that never happened last year.  So I thought that was a good sign and good start. 

This year, the rule of thumb is this: more non-fiction choices.  A little bit of history, social science, popular science, biography (a category I've always loathed) and religion.  There, that sounds again like an ambitious cocktail.  And for fictions, well, when my head is about to explode, and I imagine I'll have many of those moments, I will resort to some "light readings" in that particular genre.